here's a story

The other day I brought up the “what if” person in my life. So here’s my story of my what if guy…

From ages 16-18 I worked at the local hospital in the housekeeping department. It was actually an excellent job to have while in school; I mostly worked weekends + 4 hours during the week. About 8 months after I started working there my (favorite) supervisor got her stepson hired doing the “trash run” (basically he would go around the hospital collecting the trash and also getting rid of the biohazard trash as well). Randy was his name.

There were 4 of us who did regular cleaning schedules – 1st, 2nd, 3rd floors and the OB and ICU departments. 2 of the girls i worked with (Angie and Jane) were pretty nice; they were (usually) friendly and good workers. The other – her name was Andrea – was a regular bitch on wheels. She’d been there for a year or so before I started and thought her shit didn’t stink. The head supervisor made Andrea assistant supervisor, meaning she could walk through our floors/schedules to make sure we were cleaning properly. Andrea loved this πŸ™„

Maybe I’m a little biased because she tried riding my ass for a couple of weekends for no apparant reason. [shrug]

Anyway, Randy had trouble from the time he started. At lunch on his first day he tried talking to Angie. She thought he was hitting on her and told Andrea (whom I guess she was fairly good friends with). Andrea immediately started making fun of Randy – his height (he’s not a very tall guy), his hair, you name it. Angie and Jane thought this was hysterical, and for the rest of that weekend they made fun of him behind his back and make snide remarks as he’d walk away. I never joined in; I only wanted to rip them all a new one for being such bitches. I remember walking out after work his first Sunday and seeing him sitting in his truck with his head in his hands 😦

I’ll be honest here and say that at the very beginning I wasn’t sure if I should talk to him because I didn’t want to be ostracized by the others, too. When you’re 16 sometimes the obvious right choice isn’t so clear right away.

Anyway, it didn’t take long before I (mentally) told the girls to shove it and started talking to him; at first because I wanted to show the other girls that I wasn’t Andrea’s sheep; later, because he was a genuinely nice guy and we seemed to have a lot in common – we were both shorter, were really nearsighted, kind of off-beat, etc. Plus we made each other laugh by making fun of our (not so favorite) supervisor, whom we nicknamed “Drill Sargent”.

I had never really talked to guys before I met Randy; they always seemed like huge question marks to me, some mystifying creatures. I was so shy that it made it all but impossible to even be friends with a guy. But Randy was so easy to talk to, and he seemed so different from the guys at school who all seemed to be either totally immature or completely stupid.

Can you guess what came next? Yeah, within a few weeks I realized I was developing feelings for him. The “revelation” moment came one morning before our shift started. We were sitting in the storeroom listening to someone tell a funny story. We laughed at the punchline and our eyes met briefly, and it was. . . .totally cliche lol πŸ˜› My heart beat faster, I felt hot all over. It was wonderful.

Even more cliche was the fact that he was dating someone at the time. We talked about his girlfriend occasionally; he told me once about a nice razor she gave him. I hated the fact that she got to be with him and I didn’t but I was glad that she seemed to make him happy.

Our conversations never got very deep but he seemed to enjoy talking to me. Sometimes he would tease me, and a few times our eyes would meet and “we[‘d] laugh just a little too loud…we[‘d] stand just a little to close…we[‘d] stare just a little too loonnnngggg..”


Anyway, one of my bff’s in high school kept trying to get me to ask him to hang out, and later that spring, to ask him to go to Prom with me. And this is why Randy is my “what if?” guy. If I hadn’t been too afraid to ask him to go to Prom, I might’ve gone with him and had a much better time than I did with the guy I did end up going with. We might’ve – if nothing else – become real friends.


One night a few weeks ago I did a search on MySpace for him, and lo and behold he actually has a page! I tried adding him as a friend, which he granted for about 18 hours, then removed me from his friend list. At first I was really hurt, but I realized that there could’ve been a lot of reasons why. I did try one more time to request him to add me, but this time the request was denied without any adding at all.

I’m kicking myself for not messaging him when I had the chance. I’ve been wanting to tell him for years how much his friendship meant to me, and how he really made a positive difference in my life. I’d like to tell him too how I’d really enjoy being friends with him again, but I’m not completely sure that would be wholly appropriate and/or freak him out.

I suppose time will tell in the end…

Fiddle de dum

I went to the doctor yesterday and he basically reiterated to me what I already know about losing weight – you get better results with a group-oriented type of program (like Jenny Craig, WW, yada yada). He did agree to prescribe Meridia to me for 1 month. However, when I called around to the pharmacies, the cheapest I would be able to get it (because our fucking insurance is stupid) is $109.00. Yowza!! 8)

So, I will look around. I’m still not sure I want to take a pill to help me lose weight, even if the idea is only to help me get over the initial “i’m starving” hump.

Did you ever have someone whom you’ll always wonder “what if?” about? And did you ever feel pretty certain, even if current indications could be construed otherwise, that they still held a spot in their heart for you?
I know I’m being deliberately vague; I’ll probably write more about it later, after I’ve had time to ponder a bit.

i REALLY need to lose weight

I am a typical overweight person – I’ve struggled with my weight most of my life. I’m 5’2″, so weight doesn’t distribute very well on me.

In high school I was about 150-165 lbs. When I got pregnant at 23 my weight went to its highest at 230 lbs (shudder). At that time I joined Weight Watchers Online and lost 38 lbs before getting pregnant with YD.Β  Since giving birth to YD in 2004, my weight has fluctuated between 203-218. I did get down to 198 before Christmas, however, that flew out the window with the other stress I’ve been under. Currently my weight is holding somewhat steady around 214. I’m a classic emotional eater. I eat when I’m happy, sad, bored, upset, angry.

I’ve joined WWO 2-3 times in the past 4 years. Usually I will start out well, eating healthy. This lasts for 1-4 months until something happens (I get sick, holidays, some major stress comes up) and I completely fall off the bandwagon.

Right now my BMI is 39. Needless to say that’s almost twice what is considered healthy. And you know what? I’m scared. I’m scared I will never lose the weight I need and want to lose. I’m scared I’m going to get back on WW and will follow the same paths as last time. I’m scared I’m going to have a heart attack before I’m 35. I’m scared my children will hate me when they get older because I’m fat.

I’ve been doing a ton of research on different things that could possibly help me in my quest to lose weight and be healthier. One thing I found that seems promising is that weight loss drug that probably sounds familiar from your spam folder – Phentermine.Β  From the research I’ve done it seems like it could really help me get going with my weight loss and give me enough motivation to continue once I stop taking it.

You might be thinking that I’m looking for a quick fix, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is, I’ve tried everything I feel comfortable trying. I’ve been on weight watchers, medifast, the 6 week body makeover, atkins, the cereal diet, plain old eating healthier. Nothing, by itself, has been enough to help me lose a significant amount of the weight I want to lose.

My thoughts behind trying Phentermine (or something similar) is using it to supplement eating healthier (which I’ve been working on for the past few months anyway) and getting more exercise (again, something I’ve been working on with little luck). If my doctor agrees to let me try it out for 3 months, I really feel that that will be enough time to take off some weight and get into the habit of really eating healthier and getting more exercise. Even if it only helps me lose 25 pounds, I will be atΒ  my lowest weight in over 10 years. If that’s not motivation to keep going, I don’t know what is.

I will probably call the doctor in the morning to set up an appointment to talk to him about my options. He’s been after me for a while to lose weight – I’ve gone in with knee problems, back pain, and my blood pressure is starting to creep up as well. I’m hoping we’re able to work out something that will get me on my way to being healthier and feeling better about myself.

FTW! (For the win)

πŸ˜€ credit:

oh the ups and downs

Well I went to the dentist today to get that nasty cavity filled. Luckily he was able to drill it and fill it (vs having to remove it). He said it’s still sort of a crapshoot whether the tooth will survive in the long run, but so far it appears to be fixed.

I go back next month to get the other 2 or 3 (not really sure how many he filled today) done. I knew I probably wasn’t going to feel like teh hotness this afternoon but I’m a little surprised how cruddy I do feel. Oh well.

DH got called back to work today. Yayyy!!! He’s been laid off for almost exactly 6 months due to lack of work. He goes back on Monday the 19th. w00t w00t!!

MIL FINALLY MOVED OUT!!!! It’s been 2 weeks since she left and I have been doing the snoopy dance ever since. She claimed she was coming back to get the rest of her stuff (by stuff I mean garbage), but she never did. So guess who got stuck cleaning it? If you chose me, you’d be a winner!

To give you an idea of how horrendously messy her room was, I invite you to take a look at the pictures below:

There was literally 4-6 inches of papers, junk mail, blank checks, used kleenex, etc on the floor. It took my mom and I almost 90 minutes to clean up the 8×8′ room. Unreal.

i LOVE Sweeney Todd!

I rented Sweeney Todd last Sunday. The movie they released last year with Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter. And I was totally blown away. I love movies. You only need to look at my collection in our movie-case to see that. But it’s pretty rare that I see a movie that moves me as much as ST did. I went out the very next day and bought the 2-disc DVD version, which is also really unheard of for me. I usually buy my movies used, because generally I don’t mind if it is used. But I **had** to have ST now.

So yeah. If you haven’t seen it, rent it now!!